The last two years have changed me… or maybe reset me, I can’t be certain? Now my journey challenges me to share my story, reminding me that by sharing our stories we encourage others to do the same. Here is my pebble in the pond, may the ripples awaken something in you and encourage you to throw a pebble too:
For as long as I have memory, the natural world was all that ever mattered to me, the ‘other-than-human’ world just made more sense to me. Even as a teenager, I still vividly recall the sense of guilt I held merely for being human; unavoidably complicit in our species’ rampage across the earth. In response, my career aspirations were firmly rooted in the natural world. Aquatic ecosystems was where it started for me, leading to roles in public aquaria, zoological parks, and environmental education, before returning to education to gain a BSc in marine biology and then on to post graduate research. When I began working for a National Park I finally understood that nothing can work in isolation; human and non-human worlds are interdependent. To work with one, you must also work with the other and in this way the transition into community work led me to the role I’ve held for 16 years, supporting and advising social enterprises.
That is the story of my career, a series of links that carried me from A to B, but despite the apparent logical progression, there was something else happening. Somewhere on this journey an incongruity was taking hold, a division of heart and mind which nowadays I believe is referred to as cognitive dissonance. Whatever you call it, it was not deliberate, and it was certainly not conscious development, but it was most definitely corrosive. Like rot, creeping beneath a painted façade, it ate away at parts of me, unnoticed and unseen, until a percussive shock broke the thin skin to reveal the inner decay.
The first percussive shock to crack this unconscious veneer was the death of my mother. After a routine operation, a post operative infection took her within a week. Whilst still grappling with the grief and repercussions, the second shock came 3 months later in the form of Covid and lockdown. I cannot fully articulate the disorientation that resulted, the rending of my heart and the flaying of my illusionary world; but I do recall the awakening that followed.
In trying to put myself back together, I noticed that the pieces didn’t fit. Like two jigsaw puzzles muddled together in the same box, I couldn’t solve the puzzle without recognising it was not a single puzzle. It was a painful process, but when the realisation came, things suddenly began to make sense. Only by breaking myself apart could I see that some parts of me didn’t belong. Why were they there? How had they been created? Why hadn’t I noticed them before? What had I lost in the process? What should I keep? What should I discard? The questions kept coming, an avalanche of self-doubt that if I’m honest, I’m still trying to recover from. I didn’t recognise myself. I was not who I thought I was. Even more uncomfortable than that, I came to realise that I had given up caring about the more‑than‑human world! Even now, it hurts me to admit that, so I want to be clear; the natural world still mattered to me, but at some point, the pain of witnessing the degradation of the planet had become too much, allowing a blend of denial and fatalistic acceptance to take root. I woke up to the fact that I had been sleep walking through the last 20 years of my life, desensitised to the things I once held so precious.
As the central pillar of who I thought I was crumbled, I received a second serving of guilt and grief in equal measure, but in finally seeing and accepting the truth, I also found empowerment. It is a strange sensation when you wipe the slate clean and ask yourself – who am I? Letting go of everything becomes strangely liberating because now you are faced with a simple choice, to do something or do nothing. Since then, that simple choice has become a powerful mantra for me whenever the sense of overwhelm begins to encroach. ‘Do something or do nothing,’ distils complexity and soothes anxiety unlike anything I have known before.
I could easily have chosen to do ‘nothing,’ to ignore the revelations brought about through grief and covid. It would have been relatively easy to salvage what I could, seeking comfort from the familiar, wearing old patterns of behaviour like a favourite overcoat. Instead, I chose to do ‘something,’ to take a breath, to be patient, to reflect. I began a protracted process of self-development, starting with the shattered pieces of who I had been, considering each in turn to consciously decide if it should be kept or let go. Even today, some of those puzzle pieces are still on probation to see how well they play with the others, but slowly I am growing into someone I feel more comfortable to be (although not without some growing pains).
In this process I began to see a new alignment between things, different configurations that posed new opportunities and introduced some exciting possibilities. I wondered, if someone like me who once felt a deep nature connection could become anesthetised to the current planetary collapse, then what about everyone else? With fresh eyes I began to look around me. Now sensitised from my own experiences, I began to see the central role of stories in cultivating the growing sense of apathy, anger, and disempowerment on environmental issues. My interest now was very focussed upon everyday people, those who like me found it hard to engage in the environmental issue for a myriad of reasons.
I began to ask questions, to discuss with friends and strangers alike and the same things kept coming to the surface. I also began to see how people responded to my own story and how it opened a doorway that gave people opportunity to share their story too. Through the sharing of story, I began to see the missing middle in the environmental debate and where stories had helped create this problem, they could also help solve it.
Whilst governments, business leaders, scientists and environmental activists debate and argue from entrenched positions, much of the population are left bewildered. We have bought into a lie, a lie that says we don’t matter. Whilst large scale National and International action is a vital part of what needs to happen to address the environmental crisis, the urgency for change makes individual actions and attitudes a vital part of the equation. This is where my journey has led me, this is my next ‘do something!’
I have come to encounter other stories that reveal the power hidden in a simple choice, but also how significant impact can be created through the smallest of actions. Stories reveal this to us because stories enable time travel. Our motivations are often influenced by our perception of time; we need the immediacy of feedback, of cause and effect, to affirm the actions we are taking create the outcome we desire. If that feedback is absent (or rather dissipated in time) we lose sight and feel our action doesn’t matter. Stories overcome this separation, condensing time to reveal the cause and effect of our choices, revealing the feedback mechanism that reassures us, we all matter. The power of story to help us discover our potential is exciting and one that I have lived first hand. Whilst I was forced to stumble in the dark and find my own way, this experience has given insights that I feel will enable me to open doors and shine a light for others. The only way to know for certain, is to try, to do something or do nothing, and so with a fair degree of trepidation, I am now stepping out to put these ideas into practice.
I believe incredible things become possible by sharing our story, by opening our heart to let others see they are not alone. We begin to recognise the power of our choices and become conscious of our unique position to make a difference. This is our nexus, and this is the jumping off point for a project I have developed called Nexus 100, helping 100 people discover their position of influence through story. Choosing to do something is at once both the easiest and hardest step, but now I have made that choice it seems as if the connections are coming thick and fast. The Universe is an incredible thing and never fails to amaze! In developing the Nexus 100 Project I set up a Crowdfunder campaign to try and support the costs of delivery. To receive donations from people I have never met is humbling in the extreme. I am so thankful for this support because it pushes me on to work even harder and ensure this is only the first step toward the change we all know is needed.
This journey is just beginning, and I look forward to updating you further as it grows. You can find more details about the project itself via https://gofund.me/e9dd331c and if you find yourself considering a donation to support this project, then please know I am beyond grateful. Please feel free to comment or reach out to me with any questions – I may not have the answers, but sometimes the question can be just as valuable as the answer!. Thank you for reading.
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